The moment of Truth.

The moment of Truth.

Did I break my toe and not remember it?  My toe is really really hurty!  Even the bedsheets rubbing against my toe is painful enough to wake me from a dead sleep.  I find myself constantly reminding the kids not to go near my "bad toe".  

An Orthepedist does some x-rays.  Not broken!  (Another imaginary medical issue? Really?)  No, he says it is consistent with nerve damage.  I must have dropped something on it, or stubbed it really bad and forgotten.  Now the nerve is damaged and sending the wrong message to my brain. No big deal, massage it 3 times a day and it should go away.

Two weeks later- now my entire left leg hurts.  Showering is getting painful.  Is this normal?  I call the Orthepedist.  Yes, just keep massaging it.  Ok....

My hand?  Why on earth would it spread there next?  Okay, something is definitely wrong and it's NOT in my mind.  I go back to my regular doctor.  My decreased sensitivity and pain follows a path of nerves.  He orders some blood work and refers me back to the neurologist.  My children are now careful around me and have no problem telling people I'm sick or I don't feel good.  I hope I'm caring for them as well as I was before.

Tuesday.  August 21, 2012.  My phone rings at work, and it's the doctor.  He opens with "So, how are you feeling?"  Hmm, this doesn't sound good.  "I have my good days and my bad days.  Why?"   Okay, the blood results came back and he is now referring me to a Rheumotologist (i think that's the right name).  He reluctantly reveals to me that my ANA test came back positive and my Lyme is still positive.  I recall the infectious disease doctor's comment about Lupus.  "Would Lupus give me a positive ANA?" I ask...  His quiet reply was "Mmmhm, yeah."  

I am now waiting to see the next specialist.  In the meantime I've lost a lot of time at work. My employer has told me I am now quite unreliable.  She also notes that I seem to be so on point some days, and sort of out of it others.  I reply we all have our bad days.  This is not looking great.  I try to be as happy as I can at home, and I gaze at my children hoping with all I have that I will be here for them.  They have been through enough, I would never want to be a burden to my family.  Big breath, step be step, time to start this journey.