The moment of Truth.
Did I break my toe and not remember it? My toe is really really hurty! Even the bedsheets rubbing against my toe is painful enough to wake me from a dead sleep. I find myself constantly reminding the kids not to go near my "bad toe".
An Orthepedist does some x-rays. Not broken! (Another imaginary medical issue? Really?) No, he says it is consistent with nerve damage. I must have dropped something on it, or stubbed it really bad and forgotten. Now the nerve is damaged and sending the wrong message to my brain. No big deal, massage it 3 times a day and it should go away.
Two weeks later- now my entire left leg hurts. Showering is getting painful. Is this normal? I call the Orthepedist. Yes, just keep massaging it. Ok....
My hand? Why on earth would it spread there next? Okay, something is definitely wrong and it's NOT in my mind. I go back to my regular doctor. My decreased sensitivity and pain follows a path of nerves. He orders some blood work and refers me back to the neurologist. My children are now careful around me and have no problem telling people I'm sick or I don't feel good. I hope I'm caring for them as well as I was before.
Tuesday. August 21, 2012. My phone rings at work, and it's the doctor. He opens with "So, how are you feeling?" Hmm, this doesn't sound good. "I have my good days and my bad days. Why?" Okay, the blood results came back and he is now referring me to a Rheumotologist (i think that's the right name). He reluctantly reveals to me that my ANA test came back positive and my Lyme is still positive. I recall the infectious disease doctor's comment about Lupus. "Would Lupus give me a positive ANA?" I ask... His quiet reply was "Mmmhm, yeah."
I am now waiting to see the next specialist. In the meantime I've lost a lot of time at work. My employer has told me I am now quite unreliable. She also notes that I seem to be so on point some days, and sort of out of it others. I reply we all have our bad days. This is not looking great. I try to be as happy as I can at home, and I gaze at my children hoping with all I have that I will be here for them. They have been through enough, I would never want to be a burden to my family. Big breath, step be step, time to start this journey.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Am I imagining all of this??
Am I imagining all of this??
I don't remember exactly what I felt first, or when I felt it. It began with little things. I was known for being a little bit of a hypochondriac, so I wrote off alot of the sensations I felt as just being in my own mind.
Shortly after the birth of my third child, I felt... different. I felt like things were crawling under my skin on my back (must be nothing). I felt headaches and confusions. I remember calling the anesthesiologist that performed my spinal during my cesarian section. Could something have happened to me when my spine was punctured? No, i'm assured this is not related to anything they did. I push these strange feelings out of my mind.
Fast forward to December 2011. I'm in bed, watching some television and trying to turn my ever moving mind off so I can get some rest for work tomorrow. But something feels terribly wrong. I'm moving, but I'm not. I'm not dizzy per se, nothing is spinning. I feel more like I'm on a houseboat, the entire world swaying below my feet. I jolt out of bed and realize I need to hold onto the walls to keep my balance. This can't be in my mind. I call my parents and ask them to stay with the kids while I go to the emergency room.
In the emergency room, they perform NO tests No blood work. No x-rays or CAT scans or MRIs. The doctor who sees me briefly looks in my ears and insists they look a little inflamed. Go home and follow up with an ENT. You probably just have an ear infection. They send me home without antibiotics. I'm confused but somewhat relieved. I'm too tired by the time I'm released to go to work the next day. When I see the ENT they insist that it's a vestibular disturbance, and that if they move my head around enough I should be good as new. That didn't really help.
After this feeling doesn't go away, I see a neurologist. She listens and agrees with the vestiblar diagnosis. I complain that one of my legs is bothering me too. Restless leg syndrome. I insist on an MRI. She agrees and prescribes one... without contrast. I later beg my primary care physician to reorder the MRI with contrast and he does. He also thinks that I'm fine. Migraines. They can cause vertigo.
Fast forward a few months. My headaches are bad. My vision is disturbed. I see light impressions constantly (remember when you stare at a bright light a look away and still see it? I have that all the time, from dimmer lights). My vertigo remains. My doctor orders a blood test for Lyme Disease. POSITIVE! Have I found what ails me? Finally, I feel a hearty sense of accomplishment. Happy to have Lyme. I make my appointment with an infectious disease guy.
After more tests, he determines it's NOT Lyme disease. Must just be a fluke, those blood results. Which I find funny because I was tested three times over the course of a few months. What else could produce a positive for this I ask? Eh, Lupus, but you don't have that.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I don't remember exactly what I felt first, or when I felt it. It began with little things. I was known for being a little bit of a hypochondriac, so I wrote off alot of the sensations I felt as just being in my own mind.
Shortly after the birth of my third child, I felt... different. I felt like things were crawling under my skin on my back (must be nothing). I felt headaches and confusions. I remember calling the anesthesiologist that performed my spinal during my cesarian section. Could something have happened to me when my spine was punctured? No, i'm assured this is not related to anything they did. I push these strange feelings out of my mind.
Fast forward to December 2011. I'm in bed, watching some television and trying to turn my ever moving mind off so I can get some rest for work tomorrow. But something feels terribly wrong. I'm moving, but I'm not. I'm not dizzy per se, nothing is spinning. I feel more like I'm on a houseboat, the entire world swaying below my feet. I jolt out of bed and realize I need to hold onto the walls to keep my balance. This can't be in my mind. I call my parents and ask them to stay with the kids while I go to the emergency room.
In the emergency room, they perform NO tests No blood work. No x-rays or CAT scans or MRIs. The doctor who sees me briefly looks in my ears and insists they look a little inflamed. Go home and follow up with an ENT. You probably just have an ear infection. They send me home without antibiotics. I'm confused but somewhat relieved. I'm too tired by the time I'm released to go to work the next day. When I see the ENT they insist that it's a vestibular disturbance, and that if they move my head around enough I should be good as new. That didn't really help.
After this feeling doesn't go away, I see a neurologist. She listens and agrees with the vestiblar diagnosis. I complain that one of my legs is bothering me too. Restless leg syndrome. I insist on an MRI. She agrees and prescribes one... without contrast. I later beg my primary care physician to reorder the MRI with contrast and he does. He also thinks that I'm fine. Migraines. They can cause vertigo.
Fast forward a few months. My headaches are bad. My vision is disturbed. I see light impressions constantly (remember when you stare at a bright light a look away and still see it? I have that all the time, from dimmer lights). My vertigo remains. My doctor orders a blood test for Lyme Disease. POSITIVE! Have I found what ails me? Finally, I feel a hearty sense of accomplishment. Happy to have Lyme. I make my appointment with an infectious disease guy.
After more tests, he determines it's NOT Lyme disease. Must just be a fluke, those blood results. Which I find funny because I was tested three times over the course of a few months. What else could produce a positive for this I ask? Eh, Lupus, but you don't have that.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
In the beginning... (an intro to me)
In the beginning...
Ideal suburban upbringing. That's how I was brought into this world. I had two adoring parents. Raised as an only child... which meant perhaps a little spoiled. We had a pool, a big deck, lots of family around and barbeques, prestigious schools. And large pine trees in my yard that provided a private shelter where only my closest friends and I would gather to conspire. My childhood memories are sprinkled with parties, gifts, dear friends and a little debauchery.
Eventually I got married and started a family of my own. I had two beautiful children. My entire world stopped and revolved around these amazing, smart, innocent and constantly awe inspiring little beings. My social life winded down a bit and my time was now filled with mommy and me classes, trips to the playground, story times and giggles.
Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Okay, I'm leaving out a few not so shiny memories. But those memories are nothing more than spots that dot everyone's life. I told a friend today, life is full of sh*t. It's learning to appreciate all the good in between that's important.
When my daughter was only 1 my husband and I separated, and eventually divorced. We'll just cite unreconcilable differences. I went through what likely many single mothers do. I moved from our house to a small one bedroom cottage, allowed to stay there by the good graces of some wonderful people at the church that owned the property. I spent nine months there, making my home on the couch so my children could have their own space in the bedroom (at ages 1 and 3 I perhaps overestimated their real needs or desires, but better to err on the side of caution.)
Eventually I dug myself out of that rut, and moved into a modest 3 bedroom apartment, where my new beau would soon join us and bless us with a third child. Life renewed. Work was picking up. We were living week to week like many families these days, but we were happy and together. We were making this work.
This is my brief intro to me. Now you're basically up to speed :-)
xo
Alysson
Ideal suburban upbringing. That's how I was brought into this world. I had two adoring parents. Raised as an only child... which meant perhaps a little spoiled. We had a pool, a big deck, lots of family around and barbeques, prestigious schools. And large pine trees in my yard that provided a private shelter where only my closest friends and I would gather to conspire. My childhood memories are sprinkled with parties, gifts, dear friends and a little debauchery.
Eventually I got married and started a family of my own. I had two beautiful children. My entire world stopped and revolved around these amazing, smart, innocent and constantly awe inspiring little beings. My social life winded down a bit and my time was now filled with mommy and me classes, trips to the playground, story times and giggles.
Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Okay, I'm leaving out a few not so shiny memories. But those memories are nothing more than spots that dot everyone's life. I told a friend today, life is full of sh*t. It's learning to appreciate all the good in between that's important.
When my daughter was only 1 my husband and I separated, and eventually divorced. We'll just cite unreconcilable differences. I went through what likely many single mothers do. I moved from our house to a small one bedroom cottage, allowed to stay there by the good graces of some wonderful people at the church that owned the property. I spent nine months there, making my home on the couch so my children could have their own space in the bedroom (at ages 1 and 3 I perhaps overestimated their real needs or desires, but better to err on the side of caution.)
Eventually I dug myself out of that rut, and moved into a modest 3 bedroom apartment, where my new beau would soon join us and bless us with a third child. Life renewed. Work was picking up. We were living week to week like many families these days, but we were happy and together. We were making this work.
This is my brief intro to me. Now you're basically up to speed :-)
xo
Alysson
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